The Story You Don't Know

#38 All Or Nothing

2012-02-18T05:00:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I last updated. I could give a plethora of logical excuses but then, it would all be a blatant lie.

Simple reason was simply because I didn't feel that I was in the proper state of mind to write anything worth my time.

Over the past month, I have been quite.. Well disturbed.. Mentally that is. As normal as I may have looked and sounded, the turmoil inside of me does occassionally find its way out and manifests itself as a malicious being incapable of remorse or self control.

Thankfully, it has only occurred twice outside the comforts of the six walls that keep me well enclosed from the outside world. My personal sanctuary. Yes, the floor and ceiling were included in the equation.

Alright, back to the post at hand.

I have been dealing with my demons for a while now. However, I realized that I was not getting anywhere as I have been trying to focus on too many of them at any given time. Bear in mind that when I say "job", I mean anything one undertakes.

Personally, I do not believe that any job half done is worth 50% out of a possible 100%. I feel that a job half done is as good as 0%. Allow me to elaborate further. This does not mean that a job that is interpreted by one as 100% complete, translate into the exact same thing to another. What I may deem as 100%, another may see it as only 10% and so on so forth.

Back to doing half arsed work.. A job half done is not worth doing at all in the first place I sincerely believe. Either do your best or don't bother at all. If you must, then at the very most put just 10% of effort in order to minimize losses.

The demons that I have been at war with for the longest time has not been defeated due to excessive division of attention. In short, I did way too much at one go than I could handle. I believe that whenever attention is divided, lossess increase exponentially. Also to add to that, I believe that whatever one undertakes, one must account for the lossess during transmission. Because one does something whole heartedly, does not mean the end result will display the true amount of effort used to create it.

I sat back to examine how far I have come and I was truly appalled at what I found. I haven't gone much further than when I started. This sudden review of oneself was brought on by an issue that would not have occurred in the first place should the respective demons been dealt with. This issue caused a lot of undue stress and frustration that could have been very easily avoided.

Hence, I started to prioritize what needed to be dealt with first and what could be left to run amok. However, God is fair. That demon has another demon that antagonizes its effects. Not that either of them is any good but it will suffice for the time being. Besides, they have kept me company for many a year.

I do sincerely believe in the concept of "Chaos Theory" and "Murphy's Law". With those two in mind, I do hope that you can see the implications of releasing my demons back into the wild. I will eventually get to dealing with them but in the mean time, I do wonder what kind of damage will be done? Plus most of them are inter related, affecting one another with each passing day.

No need to worry, schadenfreude is not one of them.

Even though I say that I have let them loose, I still do maintain a small degree of control over them so they do not run rampant all over my life. However, some individuals really do need to learn that I do have my limits and things tend to get very ugly when they are breached for prolonged periods of time.

I tend to maintain a safe distance from these people but some of them I am unable to stay away from for reasons I shall not disclose. These are the people that are most at risk of seeing me explode grey matter all over them. At this point of time, 3 of them are coming dangerously close to seeing me snap.
Names are witheld to avoid confrontation.

I really need to find some time to escape from them all to allow myself to cool down a bit. I don't blame them per se. I blame myself at the end of the day for being unable to deal with the crap they give and being so intolerant. Unfortunately, life does not work that way and they will not go away. So I will have to devise a plan to circumvent the impending "slip of tongue".

That is all for now and one last thing before I sign off.

A statement I read somewhere that goes like this, "I am responsible for what I say, I am not responsible for what you understand (or how one interprets it)". With that said, I am relieving myself of all responsibility should a misunderstanding occur. If you are unsure, do clarify and stop making assumptions.

Cheers.

#37 Helpless and Insecure

2012-01-23T03:01:00.000+08:00

It has come to a point where holding in all that pent up rage and anger is starting to eat away at me. I don't know how much longer I can keep at this. Smiling at people I don't like, being nice to people I don't give two hoots about.

There appears to be no way I can vent some of these frustrations out. Most of the options that used to be available to me are now closed doors. I am quickly running out of ways to deal with the problem. To make things worse, no one can seem to help me with this. It is not that I want to transfer my anguish to another but more like I need to rant it all out and get it over and done with.

Some may say that I have this blog for that very reason. I'd argue that some things that I say, I may not mean and whatever I write here I have to be careful that it will not some day come back and bite me back in the arse or cause irreparable damage to friendship. Some things you just need to let out and be done with it. Forever forgotten never to be resurrected again.

Whatever said, as long as it is not recorded to a trusted friend will most of the time die with that friend provided you do not make an enemy out of that person. Whatever written electronically can be saved and the screen can be printed and eventually serve as evidence against the person who wrote it in the first place.

Hence, the reason unlike before. I no longer write whatever the hell I please, I have tasted the repercussions of being a little too loose with my fingers. It has brought nothing but trouble. Thing is, it is not trouble to myself. I can live with that and retaliate as I please but more to the people I care about. Especially, now that I have her I need to be careful with my dealings with people. I can no longer say things like a juvenile or say things I do not mean.

All these restrictions are starting to eat away at who I am. Every single time I take a turn, I face an obstacle or a closed door. That in itself is starting to piss the hell out of me. I am on the verge of breaking down those very doors and saying screw it to everything. Would love to very well to do all that right now but I still can hold on for just a little while longer.

We will see how much longer I can keep this facade up. Until the day it has become too much to bear, I will keep living this lie. Pleasing others at the expense of my own happiness. Being nice because I have to not because I want to. Smiling as though the world is a beautiful place when I curse the day I was born.

Perhaps it is better after all to end it all and leave this sick sad little world behind..

#36 Renting Issues Part 7: Courtesy In Treating Your Tenant

2012-01-09T04:04:00.000+08:00

This has been a very long 7 part rant but it has finally come down to the very last one.

During my absence when I was doing my electives. Did you know that the landlady refused to pick up my Reader's Digest? Not one but 2 of them were left exactly where the postman had left them. On the floor. Not only on the floor but left in the sun and rain, that is okay since they were in plastic wrappings but one of them has become a little faded.

To top it off, she even drove over one of them. There were tire marks over one magazine. What a nice person she is.

Then despite successfully delivering the magazine for 7 months, one fine day the postman decided to not deliver/deliver it to the wrong house. Come on, we all know you took it or perhaps your daughter. Then to avoid my wrath for opening my magazine, you kept it with the hopes that I would blame the postman or the company.

One more thing, when staying with someone. A financial background check with your friends who work in banks is advised. NEVER stay with someone broke, for all you know, one fine day you may be evicted as she has not paid her house loan installments for a couple of months and despite numerous calls to her accompanied by visits by bank officials due to failure to reach her via phone.

One piece of advice to my ex landlady. Quit bragging so much. She claimed her daughter has a macbook which turned out to be an iPad (note the absence of the '2' after the iPad).

Stop bragging about driving a Japanese car which you could barely pay the insurance for, can't keep up with the installments which are 3 months overdue, have 10k in traffic summonses, cannot afford to send it back to Toyota for maintenance and the uncanny inability to afford to patch up a puncture and new tires considering yours has the same surface as the tiles you park your car on.

Stop bragging about having many friends who couldn't save your sorry ass that you had to ask for money from a 23 year old student. Have some shame will you?

Stop bragging about how wealthy you are when your credit card companies are demanding that you pay up the entire amount you owe which by the way is not exactly a small amount either because you haven't been able to pay the measly 5% they ask of you on a monthly basis.

Stop bragging about your iPhone 1 because its way outdated past its time.

Stop for heaven's sake bragging about single handedly raising 2 daughters that take you to Fahrenheit 88 which is a place of wealth for the poor that cannot even help you with your house installments. That is just sad that 3 working people can't keep up with a cheap house located in Seremban 3.

Another thing, stop bragging about renovations done because they were all shoddy pieces of work. Nothing works properly in your house and the build quality of the interior is absolutely appalling. Oh wait, I'm sorry. You are too poor to do it properly. My bad.

Only reason I am not afraid of posting all this up is simply because you are way too poor to afford a lawyer, even if you were able to, it wouldn't be a good one anyway which will allow me to win regardless.

Then again she should be pretty well versed with the law judging by the impending lawsuits that she is up against. Even the IRB is suing her for owing them about 24 - 25k.

To be honest, I do not hold anything against you. I just take joy in seeing you go up in flames. I could very well attempt to cause harm to you but I do not see the point in doing so, you are already screwing yourself much better than I could ever hope to achieve.

With that, here ends my rant. Thanks for reading. More rants will be coming tomorrow. I really just need to get this all off my chest before I harm myself.

#35 Renting Issues Part 6: Courtesy With Returning Deposit

2012-01-09T03:28:00.001+08:00

As I have mentioned earlier, she is refusing to return the deposit.

She called my mum and told my mum that she is tight this month and will only be able to give the deposit back at a later date. I smell bullshit. She had 40 days to prepare it and as I mentioned earlier, she did not even have the courtesy to inform us beforehand that she would not be able to return it just yet. She had to be reminded, which I think is utter bullocks. This just shows she had no intention of returning it with the hope I'd forget.

I would have except she gave me so much crap towards the end of my stay.

Oh, I forgot to mention that one day when her daughter was over and asked if she could use the internet. I lied and said mine was down and that I was working off my phone, quickly changing the SSID of my router to "meLvyn S2".

Plus I know they enter my room just to turn on my router too, so I took the liberty of hiding my power adapter to the wifi router every weekend. You treat me like crap, you don't use my shit. I share only with friends and she certainly does not qualify as one.

She also said she would not give the deposit back till I cleared the phone bill of RM950. Thinking I could not, we settled it by the next day. She thinks that RM950 is a lot, it is in some sense but it is not like we don't have that kind of cash. Just because she is a broke as bitch, doesn't mean the rest of the world is too. Besides, what is it to her? The line is mine, under my name, paid by my parents. Just because it leads to her place doesn't mean that they will harass her for it. I still have 2 other accounts with TM. They can find me easily if they pleased.

Due to her badly planned and frankly rubbish renovations to the house, the internal wiring for the telephone line was severed. This meant I had to fork out an extra RM300 just to have the line dragged into my room. If she had the courtesy of genuinely being sorry for asking me to move out, she would have offered to reimburse me for at least half the cost of the installation. She didn't.

When she threatened to not return the deposit should the bill not be paid, I guessed as much that her daughters would want to use the line. Hence, the reason she is rushing me to get it disconnected so they are free to apply for internet at their place without having to pay for the physical phone line.

Unfortunately, this did not rest well with me. I know this is petty and juvenile but I did it anyway. I removed the line completely. Good luck. What could have saved her RM150 - RM300 was gone just like that thanks to that big mouth of hers.

Speaking of which, what if she complains and not give back the deposit as promised due to the recent events? Thanks to her big mouth, she told me to bring everything I brought with me back with me when I left. So, in a sense I was obligated to remove the phone line too!

I have a nagging feeling that mum told her that she doesn't have to return the deposit. Telling me to not harass the landlady anymore and that she will deal with my mother from here on out.

Bull-fucking-shit. When she wanted 5 months advance rent, she begged me instead of calling my parents. Then when it comes to returning money, she deals with my parents instead.

So as to punish my mother for screwing with me and the landlady, I am currently holding her house keys hostage. Since my mother is giving money away to a random useless broke as hell stranger, I might as well have the money. I am after all her own flesh and blood. If you don't want it, why not give it to me instead?

I told mum that I want the deposit since she doesn't want it and if she doesn't want me to have it either, it is alright too. I told her that I don't give a damn where the money comes from as long as I receive it, I will return the keys. Otherwise, dream on. Not only that, I still have Reader's Digest sent to that house for another 4 more months. So, either I receive reimbursement for the magazines or alternatively I receive the magazines themselves then only will I return the keys.

Mum got angry at this point and told me not to bother returning them. Oh dear mother, you are such an open book.

You definitely told her that she does not need to return the deposit. So this means, it is my turn to show my hand =)

You may say that she can change the locks on the house. That is true. However, does she really want to change all 3 door locks and the automatic gate lock as well? Estimated cost is about RM400 - RM500 total. So please do that. I would love that to happen to be honest considering mum does not want the deposit back. At least let me have some fun mind fucking this fool of a landlady.

This ends part 6. Next one is the last.

#34 Renting Issues Part 5: Courtesy With The Washing Machine

2012-01-09T03:14:00.000+08:00

As stated earlier, she is perhaps too broke to even spend RM20 on a clothesline. So she keeps on using mine, again without permission. Not that I am too bothered about it until I actually need to use it myself!

She has been continuously restricting my use of the washing machine. This was literally straight after I started keeping my laundry detergent in my room to prevent her from using it.

She started by putting a single shirt in the washing machine when I do know she has a laundry bag situated in her room as I have observed when she does her laundry. So, I normally remove the offending item and proceed to wash my stuff then put it back in.

So next, she resorted to putting even more and bulkier items in. I did the same and put them back in after I was done with the washing machine.

Then, she went even further to wash her clothes overnight hoping I wouldn't touch them. So, I did the same again but set her clothes to wash again so they appear to not have been moved. Though I feel a clothesline full of washed clothes is a dead giveaway.

She then proceeded to soak her clothes with so little washing powder that I wondered if there was any in it until I took it to a litmus paper. This was left soaking for 2 days straight. To remedy this nagging issue, I drained the water and washed my stuff then soaked hers back again using more detergent this time that belonged to her.

She then put her clothes on the washing machine, whether they were there to dry or not completely eludes me but she intentionally left her underwear there too. That I will not touch. She won. This went on for 3 days. Leaving me only Thursday to do my laundry. This was a problem as I am severely limited by the amount of clothes my clothesline could take.

This ends part 5.

#33 Renting Issues Part 4: Courtesy With Consumables

2012-01-09T03:06:00.000+08:00

The landlady is so broke, she has resorted to stealing my supply of food. Hoping that I would never notice its absence.

Allow me to list my losses:-

1. 1 packet of Hup Seng biscuits
2. 1 tube of wasabi
3. 1/2 tub of Haagen Dazs
4. 2 liters of full cream milk
5. 6 sachets of assorted Twinnings tea bags
6. Approx. 3 servings of Milo powder
7. Approx. 4 cups of Nescafe Gold coffee powder
8. 4 After Eight chocolate mints
9. 1 liter of soya bean milk
10. 1 liter of chrysanthemum tea
11. Approx. 100g of sugar
12. 2.4 liters of Berri Mango Juice
13. Approx. 1 liter of Sarsi
14. 3 triangles of Laughing Cow cheese
15. 4 slices of Cheesedale cheese
16. 7 packets of assorted instant noodles of varying prices

Reason I know? First of all, I can remember what I have eaten and what I haven't. Second, I take note of my supply from time to time.

Reason I am being so anal about it all? Simply because she has been so ridiculously calculative with me on various things.

Another thing is my washing detergent. I am willing to spend some money on getting liquid detergent. She is way too broke for that form of luxury apparently and use very little powder god-knows-where-its-from detergent. I used to leave my washing detergent next to the washing machine until one day I caught her using mine. She was being extremely generous with herself, using more than she should as she stank up the entire house with the smell of my detergent. She was clever to only use it over the weekend when I was not around too.

Mum told me to let it slide but I simply won't have any of it as I have specifically told her to notify me when she consumes any of the above except the laundry detergent as I did not expect her to be so cheap. Unfortunately she is and is trying to get away with it.

I mean, if you consume and replace it. I'd be fine. Using my laundry detergent once or twice when yours has run out, are too busy to buy some more and then notify me! Instead, she chooses to sneakily use it and keep her mouth shut about it.

This ends part 4.

#32 Renting Issues Part 3: Privacy

2012-01-09T02:46:00.000+08:00

The landlady did not give me a key for my room but I was alright with it as I was only staying with her. I did not believe that she would resort to stealing until I made a few calls and discovered that she has quite a sizable sum in outstanding debts.

Due to the ludicrous and badly planned renovations she has inflicted upon her house, the 4 rooms upstairs has become 3 and one of the rooms has no usable (technically) toilet upstairs. She demolished the walls of 2 rooms and merged them into one engulfing the poor little toilet that lied in between them and converted it into her own personal one instead.

So when her daughters and one of their boyfriends come over to stay, they have a bad tendency to use my toilet without my permission. I mean, I know its her house but I am renting the whole room. She could at the very least have the courtesy to ask as I have valuables in my room. Actually, she was just trying to save herself the trouble of me saying no.

Unfortunately, her daughter and her boyfriend aren't the sharpest tool in the shed. He has a tendency to forget to flush the toilet and leave pee stains on the toilet bowl. Plus my toilet floor miraculously remains wet despite being left to dry for 6 hours.

The landlady also has a very bad habit of coming into my room. Why and what for, I have no idea but I certainly hope she hasn't taken anything. Given her current financial state, she might have and I would be none the wiser considering that I do have quite a lot of stuff in my room. How I found out? I set a trap before leaving my room. I tied a little block of wood just behind my door and pull it close to the door when I leave. I have come home several times to discover that the string has been moved so that is how I know.

Allow me to move on to Part 4

#31 Renting Issues Part 2: Electricity

2012-01-09T02:37:00.000+08:00

This is the second installment to a massive rant about my previous landlady.

As some may know, my rent covers utilities too. Plus I do have an air conditioner to use. So my landlady took this to her advantage.

She claimed my electricity consumption was in the high RM200+. Rubbish. I was on economy mode as to not raise the bill by too much. Air conditioner at night is a must considering that my room gets drenched when it rains. I ain't going to get up at 4am in the morning just to shut the windows when the landlady was too stupid to install some form of awning to prevent it from happening. Oh, there is no ceiling fan in my room either. She provided a stand fan which is as effective at blowing wind as an asthmatic mouse.

Despite having bold claims and all, she refused to offer any form of proof (electricity bill) to back up her claims. Plus she was quite clever as to quickly return from KL whenever the bill was coming then hide it before I could take a good look at it. So questioning her honesty and sincerely doubting that I was able to rack up such a bill despite air conditioner use, I took matters into my own hands and started reading her meter whenever the TNB fella showed up. This was done by observing when the bills appeared in my neighbors post box. As I used to handle the household bills for my family, I am quite family with the tiered rates. Based on my estimations, the bill never exceeded RM100.

Then in September and October, I was on electives and was not around. So happen that I returned the day the electricity bill came and she was not around to collect it before me, I discovered that she had used RM 67.90 by herself in a month. So in essence, my electricity bill was about RM30+!

After she told me to move out, I stopped being so conscious about the bill and attempted to shoot the bill up to her claimed RM200+. I am sad to say despite being a complete asshole, I was unable to even push it past RM120. This has led me to conclude that even when I am her worst nightmare, I am still unable to reach the claimed RM200+ she lied about.

This ends part 2.

#30 Renting Issues Part 1: Rent Collection & Deposit

2012-01-09T02:25:00.000+08:00

Allow me to explain that the above series of post are regarding different issues faced all at the same time but are way too big each to be compressed into a single post. I just need to get it out of my system once and for all.

Before jumping to conclusions, this is not regarding my or my family's financial state. It is in fact about my previous landlady. In essence, this is just a rant and not intended to insult anyone but her. Should there be any similarities to anyone else's story, I shall not be held accountable. Once again, I repeat that this is solely about my troubles with my previous landlady.

As some may already know, I have moved to a new place with 3 other fellow batch mates. Moving itself posed a huge problem which will be covered in the above posts.

First of all, my landlady requested that I move out as she wanted to sell the house or her daughters may move back due to financial reasons. Saying this was alright with me but her next line which I deemed as completely irrelevant and unnecessary really ticked me off. She told me that if it was inconvenient to notify my mother, she will do it for me. Like hell it is inconvenient. What did she exactly attempt to imply in that statement?

She gave me 40 days notice which was sufficient.. actually more than sufficient considering I got the go signal the same day from my now housemates. They even bugged me to move in by the end of the month which was then 10 days away. It was possible to be honest but my parents had already paid December's rent 4 months ago.

To put things in perspective, my first 2 months rent was on time. 3rd month the landlady called and said she needed money so having a relative sizable amount in savings I paid rent early by myself without notifying my parents. Same went for the 4th month then came the 5th which she suddenly called and asked for 5 months rent in advance. I directed her to my parents which stupidly enough gave it to her for no apparent reason. This kept me locked in place when I had intended to leave 6 months after arriving as she was giving me quite a hard time living with her.

By the way, did I mention despite asking me to move out 40 days prior. She did not prepare the deposit hoping I would have forgotten about this. I reminded her 5 days before I was due to move out. She acted proud and arrogant claiming she did not forget about it and she would settle it with my mother. Of course she did, she hoped I'd be so busy moving I'd completely forget about it. Unfortunately, due to the amount of shit she gave me before I left, I am determined to retrieve it despite being told not to do so by my mother.

Back to the story, she called the next day to my mother whom in turn called me and scolded me for "harassing the landlady for the deposit". These are my exact words to the landlady, "Auntie, I still have one months deposit with you right?". Oh and did I also mention that the landlady said she would not return the deposit until I cleared my phone bill? Which did amount to about RM950 since I have neglected to pay for 8 months.

That story will be covered in one of the next few rants. Please proceed to part which interests you the most.

#29 Staying Connected

2011-12-13T03:40:00.000+08:00

Last week my other half got me this (view image below)

It is awesome for classes but at the same time just as equally distracting. I spent a good half of last week customizing the bloody thing and I haven't gotten to the point where I can say that I am satisfied with it and leave it the way it is for the rest of the year.. Hmm.. not a very good term to use considering we only have about 3 more weeks left. So, till the end of next year.

App downloading has been ridiculous with and without wifi as the plan that the phone comes with is a 3GB plan with speed throttled to 128kbps should I exceed.. highly doubtful that will happen. It has been a week and I've only chewed through 300MB of it. As much as I'd love to spam downloading, I can't seem to make up the deficit. Some apps will not allow you to download via phone internet.. and those have huge files.

Plus I don't have facebook to eat away at my bandwidth slowly bit by bit. Surfing the net non-stop is not quite an option as explained in the paragraph below.

Then there is the battery life, it is appalling. I still have my trusty Nokia with me since I can't trust this thing to last me an entire day with heavy usage. Should it die on me, best have the backup lurking in the background. Well, not really lurking. I still use it a lot.. way too much perhaps.

I love Android, no questions there. I'd choose that OS over the iOS any given given Sunday. If you don't know what it means, please by all means go watch the movie. Wasn't the best but it is worth a watch. Loved it when I was younger, have yet to find the time to revisit to give you a review based on the 23 year old me as compared to the 16 year old me.

Any how, please forgive my leave of absence. I have been quite caught up with things and have yet to get any form of proper siesta for the past 2 months, weekends included.

One of the few things that has been hounding me the entire week is the realization that some things really do have to go. Even though we hang on tight to them, they really aren't doing much good to us and we are most certainly better off without it. Sometimes, all you need is a little nudge in the right direction.. or alternatively having it forcibly removed from your clutches.

Either way, the end result is the same. However, the latter may lead to a little bit of sulking/crying/whimpering like a little pooch/gnashing of teeth and so on so forth.

Last week has been a chaotic week, I have had a few things removed from my list of possessions and a few more in which the decision was made to get rid of it. In summary, it has been a week of 'changes'. More than there have been over the last 2 months.

However, as always things fall back into place sooner or later. Plus as an added bonus, I'm not really suffering from the effects of them. Perhaps it is due to my new policy of finding solutions as soon as the problems emerge instead of wallowing in self loathing and crying foul over a situation. Nothing is going to change. If you want to see a change, be the author of it. That way, you have control over the situation instead of allowing it to steer you into positions you have never heard of.

I feel that this new policy was brought on by my lack of time these days. I have to utilize the most efficient manner in dealing with situations as I no longer have the luxury of wasting too much time on them. Like they always say, "Get it over and done with". If it is not going to benefit you, it probably will end up harming you I say.

Another thing I noted is my necessity to have an objective for anything I do. Lack of it will ensure that exorbitant amounts of stress will ensue. This has made me relatively irritated when there is no clear cut objective in whatever it is I am doing. This applies to everything in the most literal sense. Whenever I do something, an objective must be present to justify it. Should the objective be unsatisfactory, the idea shall be scrapped until a good enough objective surface.

I am slowly stopping all those activities which I have found to be utterly useless and un-beneficial to my well being. Again, this applies to all. If it ain't going to help me, there is no point in doing it at all. It is just a waste of time of which luxury I do not possess. One may argue that blogging is a waste of time but then again, I am not writing for the readers. I am writing to blow off steam as I have found it progressively more difficult to express my feelings and concerns to human beings.

I have found it better to keep ones mouth shut and everything inside for no good comes out of talking about it. Some might argue that it may make me feel better, I'd give that to you but not sufficiently enough to justify talking about it. Think about all the time and effort wasted explaining it to someone, you're better off keeping it to yourself and lashing out at whatever pleases you. A few suggestions would be cutting yourself, cutting someone else, torturing animals, setting your house on fire, ramming into the back of the asshole that just cut you off, setting your friends on fire or the penultimate thing to do, just go kill yourself. I do not condone any of the above, they are just suggestions not orders. I shall not be held responsible for any social or physical harm that may come about from carrying out the above activities. That also includes incarceration.

Over the past 2 months, I have performed a little research on my own without notifying anyone. The research was "The response of other human beings when feelings or rants are expressed to them". I can quite confidently say that most of the time, you would get screwed. That is in the context of my thoughts that is. I find that whatever is going on in my head is best left in there to their devices. Expressing it has done me no good, only harm. Plus, like I always say "If no one really knows then no one will really care".

I think that is all for today. It is getting late and I have to go for my GP posting tomorrow morning at 9am. Shall continue where I left off when I get back.. or maybe when I finally get my evidence based medicine report to Prof Teng done.. We shall see. Till then.

Cheers,

meLvyn

#28 Poker Face

2011-10-11T15:14:00.000+08:00

I am a shy person. It may not really show but I have a undying fear of meeting new people and talking to people I don't know. In defense, I put on a facade and act nonchalant about whatever is going on around me. Secretly, I am actually observing. Seeing all that revolves around me. Just because I don't say anything or do seemingly look as though I am preoccupied, chances are that I am actually paying attention.

This is the same reason I suck terribly at speaking in front of people. I may show that I am taking things easy but the turmoil that is building up inside of me kills me. I shake and shiver but do my best to hide it from the world. No one needs to know, I can't show weakness. I need to seem unfazed by whatever is going on around me.

Sometimes when someone says something to me, I don't appear bothered by it but if it is about something I am sensitive about. I go home and brood excessively about it. Only the gf knows about this kind of brooding considering that she is the only one I talk to about regarding the matter. I'm working to break this, I can't keep on doing this. I hate having to hide behind a wall to save myself.

Just that I have grown up being judged constantly by others. I'm not even safe from it at home. Well, to be fair it is much worse at home. Very same reason the bathroom is my safe haven. An unlikely place but it is the single one place that no one can touch me. It is not like my parents are going to barge in when I am halfway through my business. It is the one place where I can find peace even for just a little while. Just to get away from this torment.

#27 Id

2011-09-19T04:17:00.000+08:00

My posts have been quite disorganized as of late. It really is not my style. I prefer writing things that are easy to read and understand instead of rampaging all over the place like a rodeo bull. Those were my thoughts lifted unadulterated from my mind. Hence, the reason why there are quite a fair few grammar mistakes every now and then. I'll be honest, I can barely keep up with my thought processes even after my medication. Previously, before going on my current concoction it was much worse. Imagine several thought process running simultaneously through ones head. Imagine how chaotic it was. However, surprisingly I feel that I wrote much better then. The new found clarity is seriously impairing my ability to write. I'd end up so focused on the idea of the post that I get carried away with my fingers typing away everything that came to mind. So, today I shall attempt to write a post that is both easy to understand and grammatically compliant.

Allow me to begin with a strong belief that both my parents hold close to their hearts. Coined by my father, he believes that the most aggressive person is the one who is poorest. I can see where he is coming from but I do not totally agree with that statement.

In my parents terms, poor is defined as the having little money. I completely disagree with that statement. One can be deficient in money but still be wealthy. Allow me to elaborate further. I sincerely do not believe that money is the be all end all. I will not argue about its importance nor will I argue that one can live without it. Money at the end of the day is what makes the world we live in go round. It is important but it is not the true definition of wealth.

I believe that wealth is defined as the quality of life of a person. The people that surround the person is what makes a person rich. Not money. Some may argue that money does buy you friends. I agree but what kind of friends are they getting oneself? We humans are suckers for free things because we do not have to work for it with our own blood, sweat and tears. So as long as the cash keeps flowing, there will be people swarming around one hoping for a free handout. The moment it is gone, they will scamper all back into the woods where they came from.

So to revise what my father has coined. I believe that the man with nothing left to live for is the most aggressive. I have seen first hand what can happen to a human being when their ego is suppressed and id takes over. For those who are unable to follow, please click here. This is Sigmund Freud's structural model of the psyche.

I have told many people that we are human before anything else. We are in essence animals but our developed minds prevent us from acting like one. So when one's ego has been shut out and id takes over, one will most definitely act like an animal and we all know that in the animal kingdom, laws do not exist.

This brings me to my statement. When a person has nothing left that he cares about, that is when he will go completely bonkers. He in essence becomes what I like to say a living zombie. Just waiting to meet his maker. People like this have the tendency to be huge risk takers even when the odds stacks up against their favor. What do they not dare to do? Considering that there is nothing left to lose. Might as well go all in and see what happens just for the sake of it. Reason is lost on people like these because quite frankly, they just don't give a shit no more.

These are the kind of people I am most afraid of. They are just simply unpredictable and are more than prepared to do just about anything, even when it is of no benefit to them. That is why I always used to say, when one has the ill intention of destroying another, please by all means leave at least one thing that the other person cares about. Laying waste to everything means certain doom to the instigator. Considering that chances the instigator will have something that he or she still cares about. The victim will come at the perpetrator with all that he has got and will stop at nothing until he has leveled the earth.

To end, the real reason for this post is because my mother has been constantly attempting to push me off the ledge. The only leverage they have on me now is my education. Should they take that away, I most likely will fall back to id and wreak havoc upon the earth. Let's hope that won't be taken from me then =p

#26 Broken Dreams

2011-09-16T16:19:00.000+08:00

I laid waste to most, well actually all of my hopes and dreams. It dawned upon me that it is quite pointless to have them. Not that they bring any good, just misery and grief. I am alive, just waiting for my number to be called to meet my maker.

It may seem very pessimistic and depressing. It is not all bad to be honest. The burden that went with it is significant enough to justify the action taken. To be honest, it has worked out much better than I had imagined it to.

No longer bound by useless dreams, both long and short term ones. I do not need them and most certainly do not want them. I find that when they do not come true or take a while to come to fruition, I get frustrated and upset. So without them, I am in essence a much happier person. When no expectations are set, there can be no disappointment. Especially those that require reliance on another human being for it to come true.

Although it has just been a few days, I already am looking back and realizing how silly I was being manipulated so easily by my now broken dreams. It no longer matters what happens here on out. My only goal now is to graduate, that is all that is left.

When one has something that one cares about, one is bound to get hurt. Especially if that thing or person is out of your control. Why waste my effort worrying about things that are not within my control. Best to control what I can and make sure things go the way they are on my terms and at my own time. So goodbye my dear dreams, it was nice knowing you but now it is time to move on. So long, farewell, it is time to say goodbye.

#25 Being Spoiled

2011-09-09T04:15:00.000+08:00

The recent fact that my cousin gotten himself an iPhone 4 has come under quite a fair bit of flak from people I have talked about it too. My cousin also mentioned that he was going to get Astro B.yond with the PVR. According to him, he can record and rewind shows, yada yada yada.

With that said, I personally feel that he is being spoilt rotten. He refused to study despite being quite the bright kid. He is armed with the knowledge that his mother panics and gives him whatever he wants when he threatens not to study. I find that his mother is giving into him way too easily. The other thing that came up with I was talking to the gf about the matter was where will it stop?

Considering that he now knows how worried his mother is should he refuse to study, he is just going to use it over and over again to get whatever he wants. The next thing he wants would probably be an iPad 2, then a new laptop then a gaming rig then game consoles, so on so forth.

This situation made me see something I had never saw before. I realise that I too am quite spoiled by my parents. I have had just about anything I have ever asked for, even when they were dead broke they still would get me a toy that I wanted. They were willing to spend vast amounts of resources to make me happy. I really appreciate that on their part. So now to make things right for once, I stopped being so demanding with them. I know very well that if I make enough noise, I could have the phone I want (note: want) by this weekend but I think I will pass on that.

Perhaps it is because I am the only child and my parents can focus their attention solely on me and are more than willing to give me what I want. This cannot go on. I had realized that I have this problem quite a while back but chose to ignore it because as we all know, it is nice to get what we want. Now, I think it is time to change for the better and stop giving my parents so much trouble in obtaining something that I want that is completely unnecessary.

I just did a brief review of my life so far, literally as I am typing this post. I am very fortunate. Things I need are all catered for. It is time to stop being so demanding and cherish what I have instead of focusing on what I do not. Life will be better should I have a more positive outlook on life =)

#24 Purgatory

2011-09-08T04:30:00.000+08:00

First and foremost, my money is on that I will not be able to get a smartphone. My savings have just about run dry due to the lack of an allowance for the past 2 months. Based on what has just happened with my cousin getting the iPhone 4, my parents now have the perception that a smartphone is a toy and not a tool as I would have most likely used it.

I love my games but mobile gaming never really caught on with me. Same goes for console gaming. I still prefer the old school mouse and keyboard combination over any other form of gaming. The only game I play on my phone is solitaire and well to be honest, the only game I got.

So with my cousin buying a very expensive toy, I seriously have doubts that my parents will fork out dough to get me one too. In their eyes, it is just another expensive toy instead of a useful tool in terms of studying. I admit, I don't really need it but it will be nice to have..

Actually to dissect the situation even further. I just don't like seeing the scales tipped on me. I like the idea of being able to get it should I make the decision to actually get one. Speaking of which, the decision has not been made yet so I'll take it easy and see if the need really arises for that expensive piece of potential junk in two years time.

This brings me to the real objective of this post. For once in a while, there is a reason for posting as compared to my incessant spamming of posts just to rant. So here goes.

It is in my very nature to not like options taken away from me. I like my doors wide open and possibilities endless. So there is a tendency of resentment and dejection the moment a door slams shut in my face. I would love to write about how annoyed I am at my cousin but that is not important. I'll have to live with it regardless of how much I rant considering that the damage has already been done.

I am as good at making decisions as Shaq is at sinking free throws. I am always indecisive and have the horrible habit of sitting on the fence until a bushfire obliterates one field and I am left with only the other. Allow me to give you an example, my other half dreads having to ask me what to have for dinner when we are together. She'd more than often end up straight back at square minus a gazillion as I'd most probably ask her what she wants instead.

I was talking to my therapist today and he pointed out that I should have an objective for the visits to him as the overall cognitive behavioral therapy 10 course meal has been completed and I should start focusing on things I would like to improve on. So here it is. One of my biggest and foulest frustrations. INDECISION.

I really need to start taking charge of my life and directing it to where I want it to head. I can't always go on like this or I'd end up in limbo forever. That is my goal for this week, to get rid of that stinking habit once and for all.

#23 Smartphone Dilemma

2011-09-06T17:23:00.000+08:00

A couple of months back, I one day woke up and decided that I needed a smartphone. I notified my parents and they told me to go get one but I refused to. I don't want to waste studying time trying to figure out a new phone just before my exams. So I told them that I'd wait till post exam to get one.

Now then, exams are over and I was so enthusiastic about getting a smartphone but then family drama has superceded that issue. Now things at home are much more smoother and the family drama has finally come to an end, I can finally ponder upon whether it is necessary to obtain a machine that is pricier than a laptop.

I was just discussing with my other half about it. If I really needed it that badly, I could just get one on a plan and get the phone for free but I am refusing to settle for any less than a high end model. Namely the Samsung Galaxy S2 or the iPhone 4. They are both over RM 2k and are nifty little gadgets.

So question is, do I really need one and what will I actually use it for? I don't feel that I need one. I have lived without one for 23 years of my life, nothing has changed. I am currently using a Nokia E66, second hand from my other half as she got herself a BlackBerry. I don't use Facebook or YouTube much either. Plus, as much as I love the internet, I am not addicted to it per se. I can live without it for as much as 4 days and not really crave for it as proven when I went to Penang without my laptop.

So the thinking will continue. I got something else to write about but I will leave that for later.

#22 Against All Odds

2011-09-01T23:27:00.000+08:00

As some may already know by now that my previous exam was flunked twice by yours truly. This lead to a 6 month long appeal process that finally allowed me back into uni to retake this exam one last time. According to my mother and her sources. Failing the first time is relatively common and easy to bounce back and pass it the first time one is repeating. The second time however, is a completely different story. Not many managed to survive the exam. More than ever, they flunk out and become medical school dropouts.

Fortunately for me however, I managed to survive this exam. Not even hitting borderline for that matter. I don't know how much over the passing line I happened to be but as far as I know, it was a clear pass. I have not been issued a mini warning telling one to buck up should it be just on the line.

We shall see how it goes but I am eternally grateful for making my very last shot count. All is well in my world =)

Will blog about Penang soon enough =)

#21 Bound By Blood

2011-08-30T04:09:00.000+08:00

If you have been reading my previous posts, you should know by now that there is a lot of tension going on at home. I repeat that I am not on talking terms with my mother. My father on the other hand does not speak much but we aren't on good terms either. I suspect that my mother has told him a distorted version which most likely drags him into the argument my mother and I had last week.

Honestly, I just want to get it over and done with. I am quite sick and tired of the tension at home. For once, things are going in my favor and I would love to bask in its glory for a while. I want to be happy as things are good now. I just want to be carefree for a little while. Away from the stress inducing job of being a medical student (wonder how much more it will be when work starts). However, it was like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.

I just want some peace. Apparently, it is a great luxury that rarely comes. So, following advice from the gf, I have taken a radical approach. Stop caring about what my mother does as she is the main stress inducing tumor for the time being. Not that I do not care about her at all but to not care about what she does. True enough, I was much happier. I can finally smile again and enjoy passing the exam and the beautiful world that I live in.

I am truly happy now that I am away from them. No longer will I have to sacrifice energy to ignore her anymore. All I used to do at home was to lock myself up in my room and live in my small little world in my room. All was well.

Even last Sunday, I avoided eating dinner as to avoid my parents. Sunday dinner is the one we cherish the most as my parents are out at the shop 6 days a week. Sunday dinner is the only one we spend together as a family. I know that my mother could not possibly have been happy as it appears that we are drifting apart as a family. Unfortunately, with all the tension at home, we are drifting apart regardless.

Especially since I chose to leave today when my uncle and his family are here. We could have come together as a family for once but I will not be there.

It is not like I do not love my parents. I do but I can't seem to get through to them. As a family we should be honest to each other and be less calculative. My mother is now making me pay in full for going off at her two Sunday's ago. I am willing to take any form of punishment for running my mouth a tad too much. So if this is my punishment, so be it. I will survive anyhow.

I told her that family is not blood bound any longer. Close friends who are close to you and care about you is as good as family. Mother, if you want to consider us family still.. Please act like my mother. I am willing to let your mistakes slide because we are family, I strongly suggest you do the same. Not that this is a threat but our family is at its breaking point and anything can tip the scales and cause it to fall apart. Unless that is what you wish for, something has to change.

The ball is now in your court. Do as you will.

#20 Madness

2011-08-30T03:46:00.000+08:00

"What is madness? To have erroneous perceptions and to reason correctly from them"

Voltaire

I have to agree with Mr. Voltaire here and I can vouch for his quote as this is what I have to put up with everyday I am at home. So glad that I am finally out of the house for the next few days.

I get the feeling that my mother instructed my aunt to attempt to stop me from going by their usual method of guilt tripping me till the point where I do not do what I have planned. Unfortunately, this method has been utilized all my life to the point whereby I am immune to it. Guilt trip me all you want. It is not going to work like flying a blimp with hydrogen to provide lift.

She attempted many times as below:-

Attempt 1

Telling me that I shouldn't leave her alone to take care of the house. Well, she is an adult. I am pretty sure she is more than capable to taking care of the house. I've done it and I'm nearly 3 times younger than her.

Attempt 2

Why do say I want to leave and then just leave like that. Leaving my grandmother in her care. Wow.. I thought it was only us that questioned her competency. Apparently she questions herself too. She also mentioned she does not know how to care for grandmother's bed sores. I retorted by asking why she wasn't paying attention while she was in hospital and the nurses were doing it? She replied that they were doing it too fast. Rubbish. She just wasn't paying any attention, even if they were really too fast, why did she not ask them before grandmother was discharged?

Attempt 3

I promised my neighbor that I would feed her cats while she was away on holiday. Unfortunately that promise does not supersede my necessary absence from home. I just need to get away for a few days

Attempt 4

She mentioned that if I wasn't around, no one can help her take care of grandmother. Rubbish again. My mother, father, uncle, his wife and his son will all be there for the duration of my absence. There can be no better time.

Attempt 5

She claimed that I did not properly notify my parents verbally. She is right, I did not. Why? Because currently I am not in talking terms with my mother especially. Father is a little better but not around the same. So instead I left a long letter addressed to my mother notifying her of my holiday and being rather apologetic in my desperate attempts to fix ties with my parents. My aunt said that she may not have read it. My reply was blunt, if my mother did not read it, does it make it my fault? It was placed on her work bench, smack dab in the middle. There is no way she could have missed it. Hell, it was even moved when I finally dragged myself downstairs to get a drink. The same can be said that if a warning is given but one does not heed it, does it make the person giving the warning the one to blame?

So with all that, ends the long list of desperate futile attempts.

I just need to get away for a little while..

#19 The Busybody

2011-08-30T03:26:00.000+08:00

I will be embarking on a journey to Penang tomorrow with the gf for a long awaited holiday.. Actually, come to think of it in 4 hours time. That is not the reason for this post.

This post is specially dedicated to my aunt who came to stay with us as caretaker of my grandmother.

I have no idea why but we do have a few theories as to why she was so adamant in seeing who I left with. Speaking of which, my parents don't know that I am going with the gf. I refuse to tell them not because I am afraid of them stopping me but it would cause less drama. Mother does not really like the gf for various ridiculous reasons that are founded on erroneous perceptions. That is for another day.

So it started with the gf announcing her arrival but she was clever. She parked a distance away from my house. When I told my aunt that I was about to leave and that I'd walk to the junction (to avoid being seen) 20 meters from my house to be picked up. She retorted asking me to tell the driver to drive past our house. When asked why she gave ludicrous reasons such as, wanting to see who was the driver, wanting to know the car plate number so she can buy lottery (which she can't because she cannot leave my grandmother unattended) and so on which I cannot remember.

Ignoring her requests, I quickly called the gf to notify her to drive over to the next street where she won't be seen. I walked to the junction to call her to drive by to pick me up just to turn around to find my aunt following closely behind. I turned around and asked what she was doing. My aunt just told me that she wants to see me off and see the driver (still at it!). I told her to slowly wait. After a while, she somehow figured out that it was going to be a while more. So she went back.

As I was about to bolt into the gf's car, I took one glance at my house and saw my aunt there still looking at me. This was while I was on the phone by the way with the gf. I stopped in my tracks and proceeded to stare at her. Took her quite a while to realize that I was actually staring at her, she finally noticed and went in. I then quickly dashed for the gf's car and told her to reverse to the next street. So we made one big circle around my house and as we were passing my street, the gf noticed that my aunt had walked to the junction where I was.

It was so epic, it took me a while to get a grip of myself.

We don't know if she was told by my mother to spy on me as to who I was really leaving with or plain busybody. Even last Saturday when I popped home to grab some things from her and parked her car right outside my house, my aunt went out to stare at her. So we aren't exactly sure the reason for her behavior though I highly suspect that my mother was behind this. My aunt was being way too persistent to be normal. What good would it do her to know who I was leaving with?

Anyhow, now that I am out of harms way I would like to write as to why we are taking this holiday. I really need to get out of the house. Away from my mother's sight for a little while. Away from her cold self, wearing that sour face all day long when I am around. I just need to take a break and be happy for a while. Take it as my celebration for passing the exam if you will.

Off to Penang in a few hours time! I'm so excited! This will be our first holiday as a couple! Yay!

#18 In Your Honor

2011-08-27T03:07:00.000+08:00

I used to adore my parents to bits. I held them in high regards thinking the best of them, though we have our differences. No matter how bad the situation was, we'd somehow make it through the hard times. Not anymore.

Sad enough to say that this is the day I give up hope on them, completely. I'm sick and tired of always playing their mind games. I just retired from a short but very major argument with my mother.

To be honest, I think that is the last straw for me. I can no longer take it anymore. I just want to get out of this house and live on my own. Away from them, away from the misery that follows them around.

I used to do things in their honor but I will do no more.

They won't take away my education because they believe that my grandmother will be there for my convocation but honestly, I don't want to see them there. I want to start afresh from there on out.

I believe that people can change with time but unfortunately that does not apply to either of my parents. I admit that I have wronged my mother when I gave her a piece of my mind last Sunday. However, my mother not acknowledging her mistakes is a whole different matter.

Today, I leave it all behind and let them do as they please. No longer will I be enslaved by my love and care for them. Enough is enough. I do not want to be burdened any further by my care for them. It is already too late to undo the damage done, we may some day be able to put this all behind us I sincerely believe.

However, my mind is already made up. I want out. No more shall I on the receiving end of whatever you intend to dish out.

So dear mother and father. I love you two a lot and think the world of you but I really do not want you in my life anymore. Do as you please, you do not even have to treat me as a son anymore. I wish I could forgive you but that would mean I'd have to care and I no longer do.

So come what may.

#17 Forget Me Not

2011-08-26T03:31:00.000+08:00

23rd of August, 23 years ago was the day I was born. Thank you to all those who wished me =) you have absolutely no idea how much I appreciate it.

This birthday is by far the most miserable one I've had so far. The only saving grace was that I was with the gf at 12 midnight. That was when she gave me a big hug and wished me happy birthday. Other than that, I got nothing. Not even a wish from my parents, let alone a hug. It was as if I was completely forgotten.

I mean, by right.. This should have been the happiest birthday I've ever celebrated. I finally passed the exam which has been a hurdle for the past 2 years and everything was going well. Not only did my parents not wish me, they even gave me the cold shoulder for the past week. I have no idea what is going on with them but this house no longer feels like a home.

I am being treated like a complete stranger in the house I grew up. I know I went off at my mother quite badly last weekend for all those pent up frustrations suddenly let loose upon this earth.

Allow me to elaborate a bit about my personal life. My mother does not like my gf because she feels as though she will lose me. To be honest, with the way she treats me, she already lost me a long time ago. My mother no longer has any form of leverage against me. She can no longer pin the blame on the gf. My mother has been finding fault with me non stop over the past week but cleverly enough I made sure to cover my own fluffy white tail in lieu of her actions. So this entire week, she has been struggling to aim her cannons at me. I have made sure I cleaned my tracks and have everything in order. Leaving nothing for her to complain about. She tried a few days ago. I returned fire with hail and brimstone raining from the skies.

The two years of complete utter hell she has given me now is gone. Whatever she has to bring, she can. I will return fire. That is a promise. I will no longer tolerate your incessant scoldings and condescension. One foot on my tail and I can promise you that I will hold no grudge but throw it back at you that same instant.

Dear mother, if you ever get to read this. I want you to know that I will lie about the date of my convocation. I do not want you to ruin my life any further. I care no more about the promise that grandmother and I made that she will come for it. It no longer concerns me. For my wedding dinner, you are not invited. In fact, a restraining order against both you and dad will be taken. For my wedding registration, you are not to be the witness. I do not want you tainting my life. Considering that all you two care about is money and as the gf's ex said that anything that can be solved with money is not a problem at all, I will make sure I give you a set amount monthly as "protection money", that you stay out of my life completely. You will never see your grandchildren and I promise you, I will tell them that you two are as dead my heart is for you..

Considering that I have been completely forgotten by the both of you. I wish you all the best and please do consider me dead to you. Just finish what you started and get me through medical school first and then I will pay you back for every single cent you have spent on me. I do not want to owe you two anything.

This is the promise that I made to myself. I will stick by it, even if it kills me.

#16 Münchausen Syndrome

2011-08-26T03:13:00.000+08:00

I have always wondered how people could get Münchausen Syndrome, I wonder no more. Recently, my grandmother was discharged from hospital after 70 odd days of being warded. We decided that it would be the best for her to come up to KL to stay as medical care was much nearer and should anything happen our neighbors have already offered help. My aunt who lives with her has also come along as to care for her as my parents and I are all busy with our own lives.

First and foremost, my aunt is driving me mad. Today alone she has knocked on my door asking the silliest questions and requesting the silliest things 14 times. Twice when I was taking a nap too to bring it to a grand total of 16 times. That equates to roughly once every hour.

What surprises me is every couple of hours, I do sit out at the living hall in case she needs me or anything. Instead of asking me for help during the time I am out waiting, my aunt opts to call me at her own leisure. Then when I reply with a frustrated tone, she tells my grandmother that I am busy with the computer. She does not seem to realize that if you keep banging at my door every other minute, I will eventually get fed up and tired of it. Now my mother is mad at me because apparently I am not concerned enough about her mother. She is lucky I have yet to reach the point where I am wishing for her demise.

I understand that she is ill and needs to be taken care of but my own mother has forgotten that she has a living breathing son with needs to take care of as well. My parents have yet to pay me a single cent for the last 5 weeks. My saving are running low, well to be honest has practically run out. Hence, I have no money to grab lunch or dinner. So I starve most lunches and hopefully someone will get me some form of dinner. They may say that I can cook noodles but how far will that get me?

The last straw came a few hours ago when I told my mother that my grandmother is in need of tape and a specific kind of bandage for the care of bed sores. My mother without skipping a beat, instantly offered money so that I could go buy it. So you are willing to fork out endless amount of cash for a bedridden old woman but is not willing to even give a dime to your starving son. Very well done. It is alright, I have stock piled enough body fat to last me for quite a while. Must admit the lack of food for the past few days have caused my tummy to shrink a bit.

I do not believe that I am being overly demanding by asking for money for food. It is not like I am going to run off and gamble it away. For once in my life, mamak food has become a luxury.. Well to be frank, any food is a luxury as long as it costs more than nothing.

I have a fear of asking my parents for money because begging for money out on the streets is easier and would yield better. It is not like they do not know I have no money left. I have told them a few times already as it is. Whenever I ask for money, they will ask me to get it from my savings. If I say I have none left, they will ask why didn't I save and not give me any anyway.

So in conclusion, at the rate things are going.. I am going to end up with Münchausen Syndrome. I am already running on fumes as it is with all that is going on around me. Oh well, I've seen worse days. This by right should just be a walk in the park. We will see how things go.

By the way, even the gf has taken pity to me and offered to give me some pocket money but I can't take that. That poor girl has to work so hard for her money. I'd rather starve to death than to take any from her.

So till the next post which will be in a few moments. Just thought of something else to write about =)

#15 Tear The House Down

2011-08-22T13:43:00.000+08:00

Finally, I can get back to normal posting. I had so much on my mind, I ended up spamming my blog to kingdom come. Just had to get things off my chest before I end up hurting myself or others for that matter. So please do not take my earlier posts too seriously. They were after all written in a state of mind where clarity was completely absent and blatant disregard of the feelings of others. There will be a upcoming post of little white lies we tell. Maybe right after this, I don't know. We shall see.

Anyhow, my grandmother who is currently bedridden due to a horrific motor vehicle accident 10 weeks ago where she played the role of the pedestrian having a lovely conversation with a car driven by a 24 year old clown who was under the impression that he was Sebastian Vettel.

She had a shattered pelvic bone, closed right neck of femur fracture, T3 - T6 rib fracture and a laceration on the right occipital region. Overall, she is alright. About to be discharged tomorrow. We have discussed with the family and we are going to bring her up to KL. As there would be more people to take care of her and the available facilities are plentiful.

So, in view of the above mentioned. My parents are renovating the house a little. To get rid of our termite wrecked kitchen cabinets which we have failed to get fixed as time was not a luxury we have. My parents are extremely busy people and they do not have the time to sit at home waiting for the guys to do their work. Now that I am on holidays, I am the one ending up sitting here waiting for time to pass. It is already 1.35pm. They have been at it for quite some time now. Apparently according to the guy, it will be another day before they finish the job. So guess I will be sticking around for one more day then.

First allow me to describe the renovation. It is borderline ridiculous in my opinion. Sorry mum and dad. This is just absurd. They are pretty much tearing the whole kitchen apart and replacing wood with concrete. I have no comments on that but the kitchen counter is going to shrink by 70%! Where on earth am I going to make my coffee!! Speaking of coffee.. I couldn't find it. Everything is in a mess right now. Got no idea where anything is.

My study, my haven, my place of solace, my quiet place... is about to be turned into a circus. Dad won't let me put my desktop in my own room as he believes that the radiation is bad for me (what radiation!? we no longer use CRT monitors for crying out loud! The only radiation I would suffer from is the annoyance emanating from him in his room!) I feel so displaced at the moment. Perhaps I should bring my desktop to Seremban instead. I mean, it is a pretty pricey custom built machine which has been lying dormant for the past month due to exams and even more now since I have a laptop that is powerful enough to suit my needs.

Honestly, I'd like to tell you guys what on earth is going on but I have absolutely no idea and from what I gathered from my parents, the details are still pretty fuzzy. I have taken a before photo, just got to wait for the after one =p

Will keep you updated.

#14 My Befuddled Mind

2011-08-20T20:54:00.000+08:00

The human brain is a wonderful thing, only when it works properly. When it doesn't, welcome to my world. I'm not saying that I am worse off compared to a mentally impaired person or schizophrenic. I'm lying in a halfway house between sanity and lunacy. The worst part is knowing that something is wrong and being completely powerless to do anything about it. The feeling of being losing control of your mind yet being completely conscious of what is going on isn't the most pleasant feeling in the world.

The only way I can manage this confusion is by being medicated. As long as I am compliant, I have control of my brain. It was a sense of clarity and focus for once in my life when I was started on this drug. My attending doctor was concerned about compliance to my medication and so is my current doctor that is in charge of my well being. I told both of them the exact thing, "If I stop taking my medication, I lose control.. I don't want that". Same reason why I don't like getting drunk.

I am a hazard to myself and all those around me when things go awry. I really do not want that either. I could not care less if I was the only one that got hurt, just not those around me.. Those I care so dearly about.

Looking back all these years. The damage done is irreversible. However, there is none that I regret. What has been done, cannot be undone and there is no need to undo it. I wouldn't be here if it was not for those set of events placed in the exact order that they are. I am grateful for the way I turned out. Not the best but still doing alright..

#13 Worlds Apart

2011-08-20T12:29:00.000+08:00

My parents are typical Chinese educated parents whom I find it very hard to relate to as I have been Westernized during my "fragile" years in Australia. My opinions and point of views differ greatly from theirs and this causes a lot of friction in the family. I do not hold many age old Chinese traditions dear to my heart to my parents dismay.

My parents as do their friends always believe they know better than the younger generation and have a tendency to be condescending towards us. They state that they have taken more salt than we have eaten rice. So they know better simply from experience. I do not disagree with them but I do question the quality of the experience. Just because they are unable to solve a Rubix's cube in 20 years does not mean another can't in 20 seconds.

They believe that respect is the utmost importance and that your parents can bring you into this world, they can take you out. My answer to them would be, "Go ahead and try. See if we will retaliate.". Come on. We would fight back to maintain our existence should it come to this. Show me a child who would stand there to be murdered by his own parents.

They do not like to be challenged especially when they do not have a sound argument to whatever is at stake. They will more than often say that we should listen because they say it. Reason not given. I personally feel that our parents should be more receptive to being challenged and us as children will listen provided that they can reason with us. We are not unreasonable. Should they bring good points to the table, we are more than willing to listen. This is why their generation thinks we are rude and ungrateful. That is also based on their false beliefs. They simply do not want to be challenged for any reason, they want to rule us all.

Same applies to my parents. I may only be 23, but I am capable of thinking for myself and I am more than willing to discuss democratically instead of being under the rule of a dictator. Bring good points to the table and I will accept your reasoning with open arms.

Unfortunately, their generation being so hideously stubborn will never understand. Do not get my wrong. I am not grouping everyone from their generation into this group but most of them are like that. I have met parents who are more Westernized and are willing to talk to their kids nicely with reason.

So I want my parents to know that "Just Because I Said So" is no longer good enough in this time and age. However, they will never learn because I am the one who said it and I have eaten less rice than they have salt.

#12 I Would Tell You If Only I Could Speak

2011-08-20T12:19:00.000+08:00

We humans have become selfish beings. It is not really our fault, I'd blame it on what society has become as of late. In this cutthroat world, if you don't watch your own sorry arse. Who will? Everyone has the responsibility of looking out for themselves, maybe a few good friends will look out for you too but generally it is each man for himself.

One of my mother's friend said that people nowadays are getting depressed because they are selfish and only think of themselves. I strongly disagree. I personally feel that it is because as we become more intelligent and are able to work more efficiently, we have more time. With that extra time, we think and when we think too much we end up getting depressed. Just because she was an uneducated woman who struggled all her life to put food on the table, doesn't mean that all of us are like that.

According to Maslow's Hierachy of Needs, as long as our basic needs are not fulfilled we won't have the needs of anything above it. For example, the most basic of all is food. If we did not have anything to eat, would we be worried about what iPod we should buy? I don't think so. Most of us now lead quite comfortable lives with nearly everything taken care of. So we have the luxury of complaining when we don't have the latest gadget from a certain company which uses a fruit that has had a bite taken out of it as a logo.

With an increased amount in education, we become more knowledgeable and with that, we are able to function at a much higher level. With that increased in mental function, we are able to think of things that make us depressed. I sincerely believe, depression is a disease of those with too much time on their hands. Not once during the period just before my exams, did I ever feel depressed and the moment the exam ended, it all came back to haunt me. It is like paying back taxes.

I come from a long line of hard working people. Unfortunately, I did not inherit that trait. I prefer to work efficiently. The least amount of effort for the most amount of work done. I was taught from young that if there is problem, find a solution instead of moping around questioning why the problem exists. This has helped me a lot through my life so far. Especially when I was deported to Australia and was brought up by wolves during my teenage years.

So with all that factored in, it has made me who I am today. I believe that no one wants to hear another persons depressive thoughts and will not be there to help. So with that taken into account, the best way to deal with it is to deal with it yourself. Keep all your sad thoughts and only emit the happy ones. No one needs nor wants to know how sad you are. It would only bring them down. So the best method is to keep it all to yourself. Running along those lines, I have learned to keep things to myself regardless of situation. Even if it kills me, I have to keep my big mouth shut.

No one needs to know..

#11 Growing Old, Still As Dumb

2011-08-20T02:36:00.000+08:00

There are two people I'd like to talk about here today.

On another note. This also involves my mother whom shall be talked to soon enough and questioned. However, I would like to refrain from going on about her since I have written quite a bit so far.

Anyhow, these two imbeciles that I would like to talk about have to be one of the most uneducated and unintelligent... human beings? I don't think we'd want them and it is not doing the human race much justice to be associated with them. Protozoa would be preferable I feel.

Lets name them A and B.

A, I feel is a complete buffoon especially when she was lecturing me. My goodness she really needs help. Pathologically lying through her teeth and thinking I would not see through her. Attempting to sound sophisticated (note: trying) but ending up sounding like a retard. I do not really recall what she said but all I do remember is that whatever she said is worth forgetting. There was no content whatsoever, just plain trash and trash belongs in the garbage bin. Thank you very much.

B, on the other hand is a self praising, self righteous, arrogant fool. She claims to be oh so wealthy but she had to come to a 23 year old student for help when she was in a financial pinch. She loves to brag so much that it becomes to tedious. I couldn't be the least bothered with your company as it is a typical Chinese company selling voodoo to a bunch of even lesser educated mentally retarded dipshits that do not have anywhere else to spend their hard earned cash. There has been no research done to prove that your product has any form of health benefit, well you could argue that it may have a placebo effect though.

She then goes all out to tell me how many friends she has. Like I care and if you have any friends in the first place, it would be a good idea to un-friend them all. Considering that when you needed money, none came to your rescue. So called friends. No point having friends that are not truly friends when inconvenienced.

She can also stop bragging about her kids. They are stupid and just as uneducated with no hope for the future. One is a beautician dating a chef. I so see a future with that. Good luck and have fun. May whatever you call god be with you. She has repeated this many many times over that her kids took her out for mother's day to sing karaoke and have what she deems to be a nice dinner and what I deem to be a ploy to give the poor a sense of class.

Oh speaking of money, she also loves using my washing detergent which come on, all of us will agree that it is not expensive. Just because her's is powder form and mine is liquid and smells nicer. Rich my foot.

Then she claims she drives a nice car. A J type Vios which is the cheapest Toyota Vios out there and has 3 wheels (the other comes as an added on option) is not a nice car. The Vios is an ugly looking car and your attempts to be an upper class citizen is not working. She can barely even afford sending it to a Toyota service centre. She takes it to some dodgy workshop to get its oil changed. At least I drive a Proton and service it at a Proton workshop.

You really should see the way she wastes her money buying unimportant things that I quite frankly do not understand why she does. If it ain't broke. Don't fix it.

Alright that is all for now. Should I think of more, I will complain even more. LoL.

Anyway, here is a quote to leave this with.

"What is madness? To have erroneous perceptions and to reason correctly from them."
Voltaire

#10 I Owe This To Myself

2011-08-20T02:15:00.000+08:00

I have been in a bad mood as of late when by right I should be the happiest person alive. Considering that the biggest hurdle of my life thus far has been scaled. However, unfortunately I am absolutely miserable.

The gf seems to believe that it is due to my parents not getting me the phone they have promised to and pestered me to get since 2 months ago. I sincerely do not think so because it only pops into my head from time to time. Not all the time. Which would be a positive result.

So allow me to dissect the problem in real time before it gets out of hand. It has already sparked an argument between the gf and I.

I would have loved to do this alone and cut off from the world but unfortunately there is nowhere for me to go. I'm running low on funds as it is. I won't be able to survive long unless I either find work or alternatively starve. When I am done, walk 70 odd kilometers back home as the car would already be running on fumes by the time I am done. So this will have to do for now.

I think it is because I focused too heavily on my exams and expected that when I finally pass, everything will solve itself. It didn't. It only got worse due to the fact that they were all already long overdue.

I refuse to go home to see my parents. They are wonderful people but abysmal as parents. Like I posted on my MSN status that all I needed was one good reason to go home but unfortunately I do not. All I have are reasons to stay the bloody hell away from that accursed place.

I believe the way I am feeling now is a collection of the pent up emotions that I have swept under the rug for the past 2 months in order for them not to affect my performance in the exam. Thankfully that was successful. I managed to scrape my way past the exams but now I will have to deal with them.

Allow me to describe it. It is like opening a soda can that has been pressurized to 2000 kPa and then you open it. That is roughly how I feel at this point of time.

I just want to get away from all this and hide from the world but that does not appear to be in the list of options I have been given. This has made me very frustrated and angry I feel.

Well.. When more thoughts pop into my head. I will drop back by here and post it up but for now. This is all. Toodles. Time for bed.

#9 Schadenfreude

2011-08-20T01:50:00.000+08:00

I have been a bad mood since the day I got my exam results. By right I should be overjoyed that I finally hopped pass this massive hurdle in my life but I sincerely am not. I feel empty, dejected, as though a sense of goal has been lost.

I was especially upset to when I called her on Wednesday morning, the very first thing that came out of her mouth was "Have you failed yet?"
Of all the things in the world. She had to choose those set of words in that exact order. It didn't quite sink in till the day after and I was quite sad and disappointed that my own parents could be expecting me to not succeed. Just because we had an argument 2 days prior to my Short Answer Question portion of the exam.

Every time I think back, I am shocked in disbelief that she could say such a thing. I'm just really upset that of all things known to man, she had such poor choice of words. To add insult to injury, she did not seemed at all impressed. The same way she brushes off my efforts to excel in my studies. Apparently according to them, getting A's in exams are compulsory. If I were to attribute the passing of this exam to, it would be to the gf and myself.

The role my parents played in this was merely monetary. They offered no encouragement whatsoever. The only thing they ever did was demotivate me. My mother kept on saying the same stupid line over and over again which makes no sense and offered little if any encouragement. Really, I'd rather be eating dog feces 3 meals a day than listen to that silly line.

#8 Reason for Speech

2011-07-30T00:47:00.000+08:00

I used to be quite the noisy one especially when I'm out with friends and all. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut or my volume down. I just had to attract attention from everyone around me to the point where my friends would have to try to hush me and become quite embarrassed by the ruckus created. Nowadays, I normally keep quiet and try to be inconspicuous. The less attention I attract the better and this is reflected quite heavily in my interactions with other people. Nowadays, I tend not to speak much and keep everything in. I find it wonderfully pleasant being quiet, gives me much more time and energy to observe the people around me.

I enjoy keeping quiet so much so that I don't talk very much these days and actually struggle to find something to talk about. I just find talking too much a waste of energy which can be put to much better use. Now that I am living alone, it has helped maintain my silence pretty well considering that I have no one to talk to these days. My current batch mates have their own little cliques consisting of people living in their house. Not that it is a bad thing, it is in fact perfectly normal. I even know of one that stays at home regardless and won't even come out for meals but instead relies on his housemates to bring him back food.

Anyways, back to point. I remember something Mr. T said on a television series "World's Craziest Fools", it went something like this "Wise men talk because they have something to say, fools talk because they have to say something". This is in line with one of the principles of life I have adopted from the Desiderata where Max Ehrmann where he says "Avoid loud and aggressive people for they are vexations to the spirit".

With that in mind, I find talking a waste of time and my gf always says that "When the mouth is moving, the hands aren't". I really do believe that talking does not solve much and doing something about it. Instead of sitting and discussing all day along in order to find a compromise, why don't we give each member of parliament a club with crooked nails driven into them. It would solve all our problems in parliament because they will all be killed batting each other to death. Same goes for talks going around the world, why not just bomb the living daylights out of everywhere then there will be no war considering that there would be nothing else to kill anyway. We should clearly just lay waste to this planet and eradicate the entire human race in order to achieve some sort of equilibrium for once.

Then again, the suggestions above are not practical at all. What point would all the above be should there be no one left to enjoy it. It is not like we are at he point where robots can download our minds and act like us. Perhaps in the future.. Just perhaps.

Anyway, this post was basically just a rant to get things off my head. Tried sleeping but that didn't work so instead I shall now go off to study considering that my exam is a week away and I really need to be preparing for it.

I apologize for being gone for so long. I've just been really busy and far too exhausted to feel like writing. Just wanted to rest when I could and study when I couldn't. Post exam, I should be writing a lot more often. Not to the point of daily doses of the blog but should be often enough to keep you guys entertained.

Anyways, see ya!

Cheers,

meLvyn

#7 Blunted Affect

2011-06-26T06:49:00.000+08:00

First and foremost, the title is correct. Affect spelled with an A instead of an E. It is defined as an observed emotional expression or response. This is going to be a relatively random post coming from yours truly simply because I just am unable to fall asleep despite having a long day coming up ahead.

I skipped my medication today simply because I shall be required to chauffeur my parents all the way to Muar in about another 3 hours time to see my grandma who happens to still be in the Intensive Care Unit after being sent airborne by an imbecile who was driving way too fast and could not brake in time. I'll elaborate in either the next or the one after the next post. There is a lot I'd like to write about but just am unable to find the time or am just simply far too exhausted to the point where my consciousness is impaired.

So far, 3 posts have come to mind and are amazingly sticking in my head just waiting to be strung into words. I will get to writing them as soon as I manage to clear up the mess I've created by my extremely silly actions.

I simply cannot fall asleep at the moment, despite being exhausted to the core with eye bags thrown in for free. I believe it is due to my dependence on my medication which side effect includes drowsiness. I skipped it today. It was already late and I had not taken it earlier, should I consume it now I would be too tired to take on the 180 odd kilometer drive down to Muar Hospital.

Speaking of medications, I have been missing quite a few doses recently. Not to the point that it becomes alarming but I reckon it was twice last week. Oh well, will get back to my daily ritual starting Monday.

Anyhow, that is all for the random post. I'm feeling a massive headache approaching and I really rather be asleep when it decides to pay me a visit.

Good night and cheers!

#6 The Man My Father Is

2011-06-20T05:47:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, was Father's Day. A day in my opinion is just a marketing gimmick for us kids who have saved up all this while to get a new toy we actually want, to get something for our dad's which he most likely wouldn't want us to spend our life savings on (considering for those who are still studying, dad or mum is the source of our income) but much rather we got that toy we have always longed for since he himself won't have to dish out the dough to get it for us when we can no longer contain our innermost desires of having whatever we wanted in the first place. Seems like a pretty vicious cycle doesn't it.

I mean, my father at least.. Is the kind of man who enjoys buying stuff for me regardless of cost as much as he enjoys watching television (trust me, he loves his television so much as to get a hard drive recorder so he can record shows when he isn't at home to watch it.. He even requested I get Astro B.Yond so he could watch Romance of the Three Kingdoms in high def).

My father is a very simple man. Allow me to summarize my father for you, an elaboration of each point shall follow thereafter. He enjoys buying 4 digit lotteries, watching television, ironing clothes, eating corn, drinking coffee, washing cars and home cooked food.

As far as my mother and I are concerned, we do not stop my father from gambling considering it consistently incurs a profit. He has yet to lose money from gambling for many a year, so he is free to buy as much as he pleases. Watching television wise, mother doesn't approve too much of it since he watches just about anything. In the most literal sense, anything and everything. To the extent of watching Hindi movies and he doesn't understand a word of it either. Ironing clothes wise, he does all the ironing in the house. He used to iron for a living when he was younger to cater for his younger siblings. He really enjoys ironing and my goodness is he good at it. It takes him half an hour to iron eight to ten of my formal shirts! Not like it is sloppy work either, they are ironed so beautifully, you could attempt to sell them.

Eating corn, without fail every single week dad buys corn from a stall where he buys his lottery tickets. Not one, not two but three of them! One of them is for me though. Still, he loves sitting in front of.. not really in front considering our television is bolted to the wall about seven to eight feet off the ground. So technically, below his television and watch whatever is on. Coffee.. The beverage of choice in my family. Mum cannot live without coffee in the most literal sense. She gets all cranky if she doesn't get her fix and she does not have the need to consume any other form of beverage so as long as she gets her coffee. Dad wise, he drinks quite a bit too. Loves good coffee and is willing to dish out money for it. He has a specific set of beans; Caffe Verona from Starbucks to be exact. He sends me flying all over the place just to get it for him.

Car washing is most certainly his favorite past time. Unfortunately, being the only child watching my father was three vehicles tickles my conscience and leads me to join him in his quest to have clean cars to drive every week. This is very bad, considering I can no longer stand a dirty car anymore I just get a craving to wash my car should I have not washed it for 2 weeks or more. Sheesh.. Brainwashing I tell you! Home cooked food.. Mum is not the best cook in the world (Sorry mother!) but her cooking has a distinct taste of "homeliness". Dad loves this and will insist she cook every Sunday dinner at the very least. My parents are hard workers and are never home before 12am daily, Saturdays included. Sundays.. They work at home anyway so not like it makes a difference. Just that they do not have to commute to the shop.

So that is the gist of who my father is. My father does not speak much. He is a quiet man (who created a loudspeaker of a son), he is the typical Chinese man. You know he really cares about you but he just does not show it. Hell.. I haven't hugged my dad since I was 10. Now I feel so unloved. Haha.. I do know he cares and works really hard to put me through uni along with mum of course. Those two are nut cases when it comes to work. Workaholics who gave birth to a lazy bum of a son =p

Still dad, you have my respect. I know that you will never ever read this and neither will mum considering you two have yet to figure out that the power button a the monitor actually just powers the monitor on and off not the computer itself =p

Anyways, toodles!

Here is a little something to make you guys laugh =)

#5 Dancing Through Sunday

2011-06-15T19:37:00.001+08:00

I took some time to read the comment in the previous post once again after being informed by a mate of mine that it had the potential to be quite insulting. Quite frankly, it did not really bother me. I have better things to do than sitting around to analyze and pick it apart then send it back her way in the most creative manner.

So please allow me to get a few things straight. Firstly, I am not that depressed. I'm just stressed out and exhausted as are most medical students. Not going to say all as a few psychopaths who sail through medical school without as much as flinching a muscle do exist.. perhaps. I don't know. As far as I know, the medical students that surround me are perpetually stressed out and exhausted. Our schedule is constantly packed during the day and we still have other things to do when we get back at night. That does not even include chores or errands to run.

I'm just plain miserable not because uni stresses me out that much but more of self inflicted stress. It certainly is not because I am a glutton for pain anymore but more towards the unreasonable demands I impose upon myself. I want to do well, not just barely passing but passing with more than enough points left to take my mates out to lunch. I don't expect to be among the geniuses who soar way above everyone else, leaving us all behind to eat their dust. Just more of someone who is dependable, someone you would trust your grandmother with. Someone who you know will do his utmost best when it comes to treating his patients. Someone you know that won't screw up when it matters. To achieve all this, it is not as complicated as it is portrayed to be. Just study hard and study a lot. Medical school isn't so much about the amount of brainpower one has but the amount of horsepower one can put out towards studying. The effort counts, it doesn't matter how intelligent one is. If you don't study, you just won't know the answer.

We will one day be the doctors stationed in your local hospitals. Without dedication on our part during our medical school years to strive towards being the best that we can be and end up being a doctor that just passed his exam by the skin of his teeth, would you trust us? I'm not saying that other professions are unimportant, please don't get me wrong. There are no professions greater or lesser than another, to me at least that is. Allow me to elaborate; my mother used to tell me that if I do not study hard, I'd end up being a garbage collector. I was young and used to look down tremendously on garbage collectors. Sworn to never be one of them, it kept me motivated to pursue my studies in the right direction. Now, I stand here before you in one of the hardest courses known to mankind and I can tell you that I no longer look down on them. Without them, we'd end up having our front yards littered with trash, wafting in the essence of rotting foodstuffs.

A friend once told me, though I must admit he did come off as a little arrogant in his statement. He said, "Don't look down on stupid people. Who is going to drive your car, tend your garden, serve you dinner and clean your house." Before you raise him up to be judged, he was also the same one who always reminded me to never get conceited. It has stuck with me all along with a quote from Socrates; "The more I learn, the more I learn how little I know."

So I would say I have learned a lot from this studying this course and should I be given another chance, I'd do it all over again. In life there are always ups and downs. Medical school has treated me well, blessed me with awesome friends and a small but yet wonderful social life.

In summary, medical school is a wonderful place. With all the stresses and work, in the end it still remains at large a branch of university. It is not so much that we do not have a life, we still do just not much of it. However, with what little we are given we make the most out of it.

P.s. Lee En, just so you know.. I have yet to meet a chemical engineer who is interesting or fun to be around. Literally, all of those I know have a baseless air of superiority and have the tendency to be the subject of mockery. Do me a favor and prove to me that it is about the person and not about the course. I do believe that there are indeed very nice chemical engineers out there, I just haven't met them yet. Plus your last comment did not do you much justice. I have kindly provided a picture below for reference as to what I am talking about =)

#4 Melancholy

2011-06-10T03:29:00.000+08:00

It is 2.35am in the morning and my reports are due latest by 9pm tomorrow night and I have yet to start writing anything and this headache is not helping either. Let's get to the actual writing now, shall we?

First of all, I had absolutely no idea that there are still people accessing this blog. I've left it dead for quite some time and fail to update consistently. Since there are people that will end up reading, I better choose my words carefully and update more frequently. I will make it a point to at least write once a week if time allows. Well.. to be honest at this point, time really is not my best friend but writing this will allow for some procrastination before get a move on my work.

Now then, I have not been feeling too well as of late. Usually, this is a cue for me to go AWOL for a couple of day/weeks till I get hold of myself and move out of my shell but being posted in O & G with Dato' Siva on my case, hiding is not an option. I just have to live with it and hide as much of it as I possibly can behind closed doors until I find a solution. Next posting being Pediatrics, I ain't getting a break either. This time Dr. Moti Lal will be on my case instead. Back to my current posting, none of us get much of breathing room. We don't even get to exercise to release some stress from this already stressful posting. Staring down at vaginas may seem like a dream come true for most guys, to us its just another patient whose vagina is going to end up bloodied with amniotic fluid everywhere (C-sections included, I never knew it could spray that high).

A friend once said to me, "We are in essence alone in this world after all. Everyone has their own thing to do, they have their problems and lives to live. Don't worry, you will make it out on your own. Everyone does. Question is just how you do just that and how well you end up."

I haven't been dealing with my problems well up till not too long ago. Not saying that I am the master of problem solving but more like I used to have to talk to someone to let things out and repeat it over and over again with different people. Now, I just keep it all to myself until I feel as if one day, it is just going to overflow for the world to see. Nowadays, I can't seem to express my emotions. I just end up sweeping it all under the rug or blowing it off as an insignificant problem which ends up aggravating the situation. So, my solution to all this is very simplistic. Stop caring. Took some practice but I got there eventually. I already have a lot of things to worry about, so I will just let the small problems take care of themselves. Not the most efficient way to go about things but I just no longer have the strength or time to deal with them all in a proper, justifiable manner.

I may seem calm, composed and unmoved by anything but deep down inside it is a whole different story. I can't even express it in writing for that matter. Some people have told me to rant it out on this blog. Tell the world how I feel and to shove it up its arse but I just can't. I am mentally and physically unable to voice it out anymore. It started a while back, when I cannot seem to remember but all I do is that I started burning bridges with my female friends. Completely avoiding them as much as I can. I remember one I met out of nowhere one day, she said hi and asked if I was using the same phone number, without as much as blinking I said yes. Truth be told, my phone number has changed since then and my old number 012-6939482 has been left to be disconnected by maxis.

I am a broken, used, thrashed and scattered. I need someone to save me from myself before I completely destroy whatever I have yet to lay waste to. I cleared out this blog completely previously, to forget, to have what I have written be forgotten by those who have read it. To leave the lifestyle I once lead behind and move forward to a new brighter future. Now that I have crossed to the other side, I am relieved to tell you.. it is exactly the same. Then again, the grass is always greener on the other side. I won't be this depressed forever and I think I've been rambling on for a tad too long. I'll see if it is possible for me to churn out a happy post tomorrow =) at least once my reports have been sent out I should, by right I will obtain the few hours of relief because its the weekend and I'm looking forward to sleeping in. After that, it is all downhill from there onwards. I have a wonderful 5 reports to hand in, on Wednesday and to top it off.. exams. Oh well.. Enough procrastination. Back to work.

Cheers!
meLvyn

#3 Avolition Depression Distractions

2011-04-16T04:50:00.000+08:00

Mark Epstein, once said, "Depressed people think they know themselves, but maybe they only know depression".

Since the last time I wrote, I've switched to a different discipline of medicine which happens to be Psychiatry. It has been a relatively busy period despite everyone (myself included) saying that it is a very relaxed posting. Perhaps it is just the amount of pressure I'm exerting on myself. I just can no longer take classes easy as I used to. I get worked up about uni so much that I'm exhausted by the end of the day. Every single time I attempt to take it easy, I end up slacking completely. The ever elusive middle ground between work and play seems really far from my reach.. Oh well.. Not much I can about it. Even as I type this post, I'm actually in the middle of preparing for the Monday seminar on Organic Brain Disorders. It's 4.30am for crying out loud and I have to run 11KM for the Energizer Night Race in about 16 hours. God please watch over me.

Recently, I have been feeling rather down. No idea why but it has yet to impair my daily functioning. Considering that I only notice it when I have absolutely nothing to do, I've been self medicating by drowning myself in work. So much so that my stress levels are through the roof. Substitute one poison for another, great way to deal with things aye? Not like I have much of a choice. I hate this feeling. The feeling that nothing is going right and my world made out of cookies is crumbling. Every now and then, it slips out and manifests itself on my outward appearance but when people ask, I end up denying it. I just don't want to share the details with anyone. Not especially since we're in the psych posting. I'd end up being on the receiving end of an inexhaustible interrogation and I really don't want that. Not now at least. I'm just not prepared to talk about it just yet. I don't want anyone's support, I don't want anyone to care, I don't want anyone to know.. Just leave me alone. I'll make it out on my own. I assure you of that.

I just don't want anyone to know what I'm going through. It is not important. I'm probably the same as the other emo kids lying around. Like I always say, when no one knows, no one will care. I just have to sit it out till it goes away. Probably just another episode that will fix itself with time. Nothing to worry about, I'm neither suicidal nor homicidal.

Anyhow, I'll be writing again soon enough though. Probably, Monday or Tuesday when I get the chance to. Hopefully by then I'd manage to sort out the multitudes of thoughts squirming in my brain. Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

#2 Your Porcelain Face

2011-03-26T03:27:00.000+08:00

Marianne Moore once said, "A writer is unfair to himself when he is unable to be hard on himself".

I have been far too easy on myself. I've taken things for granted even luck for that matter. I do admit that I am a very fortunate person. All my needs are catered for. Three meals a day, four walls, a roof and much much more. I'm so relaxed that I barely get anything done. I like my comfort zone and avoid venturing out into the path less traveled like the devil. Things have always seemingly fallen into place in whatever I do. I never had to work hard to get anywhere in life and that has made me a tremendously lazy pig.

There is a song I recall when, "Our Broken Hearts" by Lostprophets. One line goes:-
"If there's a way that you can be, everything you want to be. But you complain it came to you too easily"
Over the years, I've grown conceited. Confident that my luck would never run out but when it eventually did, I had no idea what to do. Lost in purgatory, doomed to wander aimlessly for all eternity.

While watching "Densha Otoko", a Japanese drama. The protagonist in the drama was a complete loser to the core. Rubbish at anything he did, hated by the community and people he knew. His only saving grace was the internet, where he got advice from people from all over Japan to help him in his pursuit of this gorgeous looking girl.

I'm not saying that I have it all but I do think that I'm very well blessed by God. He gave me a perfectly intelligent brain that I'm under-utilizing, He has given me wonderful parents whom I deem a bother, He has given me the luxury of not having to worry about money. Yet, I still make no use of it. Allowing it to rot away slowly.

It is about time I got my arse off the floor and start doing something. To make full use of my available potential. I need to do this. Not just for myself but for the sake of everyone who has high hopes for me. This may be a poor excuse but it is all that I've got. If I was to borrow ideals from another, I might as well see it through. Even if it is borrowed, they still are ideals in the end.

Once again, I shall put on my porcelain face. A facade born out of fear of the world. I am after all what the people around me what me to be. It has been so long that I've forgotten who I really am..

I leave you with a set of lyrics from "Architect" by Rise Against.

"Do you still believe in all the things that you stood by before?
Are you out there on the front lines, or at home keeping score?
Do you care to be the layer of the bricks that seal your fate?
Or would you rather be the architect of what we might create?

Yeah, we still believe in all the things that we stood by before.
and after everything we've seen here, maybe even more.
I know we're not the only ones and we were not the first.
And unapologetically we'll stand behind each word."

#1 A Novus Orsa

2011-03-12T04:20:00.000+08:00

Insanity as defined by Albert Einstein is "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". I find that fascinating but not as much as it was defined by François-Marie Aroue, better known as Voltaire ""Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively."

I have been away for quite some time biding my time, taking a bit of breather from the bitter torment of education by assisting my parents in their business. This made me tremendously busy and exhausted by the time I got home, so much so I had no strength left to blog anymore. Anyhow, good news is I am back and will be updating fairly regularly as much as time permits me to do so.

I'm finally back in uni and quite frankly, I do enjoy studying. Which is odd considering I've avoided studying like the devil all these years. I find that the more I read, the less I know and because I now know much less, I read more to fill in the crevice. A vicious cycle that will eventually be the death of me I reckon. It has now become a favorite past time of mine, which is good. At least I know I'd be able to pass exams for once.

A couple of days ago something major happened and this had me cornered. So much so I made a pact with the devil, that I'd be spared. As they say, "We are given the freedom of choice, with nothing to choose from".

I now hear voices in my head. Not the schizophrenic type where the voices are literal. The voices come in thoughts, my thought processes now run in parallel. It feels as though there is another side of me trapped within my subconscious and is itching to get out. Don't worry, it is not the least bit malicious. It has helped me a lot over the past few days as I struggle to get back into the groove of studying once more. We shall see if it can deliver, if it can I'll live with it for the rest of my life I suppose. It does others no harm but I cannot say the same for myself.

Imagine an endless debate going through your head every single second that you are awake. It is a pain. However, I still believe that this is for the best. We shall see how things work out then =)

Till my next post. See ya guys

Cheers =)

P.S. The title literally translates into "A New Beginning" in Latin that is.